A close friend of mine is struggling mightily with an advanced case of mommy guilt--something she didn't expect to hit hard in midlife.
She’s not stressing about spending too much time at the office, the shame of bringing store-bought cookies to the school bake sale or dealing with guilt about wanting to sneak away for a girls trip that falls on the same weekend as the elementary school play.
No, she’s dealing with the full-blown revolt of her adult children who are adamant that she stay put in the family home that they insist holds all the memories of their childhood.
My friend is deep into her midlife reinvention, having recently lost her husband of 35 years to the brutality of cancer. She’s tired from years of caregiving and doesn’t want the responsibility of taking care of a large, aging home. She wants a new beginning after such a terrible loss.
Her children accuse her of trying to erase their childhood.
Managing Your New Beginning
Reinventing in midlife never happens in a vacuum. Whether it’s diving head first into dating after the loss of a partner, going back to school to pursue a degree and a new career, splurging on a home on wheels so you can visit national parks in all 50 states, or like my friend, rightsizing to a new home that isn't big enough to accommodate huge family celebrations, it’s a given that adult children will have strong opinions about how these changes will affect them. The impact adult children experience may be:
Physical—Living too far away to babysit the grandchildren or attend spur of the moment gatherings
Emotional—Upsetting the family dynamic with a new partner or ending a lackluster marriage
Financial—Spending retirement savings on a doctorate that will not produce enough income to recover the investment
Or, perceptual—A belief that older people should be winding down, not ramping up.
And it doesn’t help that as we’re making these big decisions to switch it up and venture into something new, and likely out of character, we’re dealing with our own hesitation about whether or not we actually are behaving foolishly.
Relationships with adult children can be tricky, especially considering that our later years are often referred to as a “second childhood.” Free from daily parenting responsibilities and enjoying the good fortune of having some retirement savings, we switch from being caregiver to carefree, and that’s a new reality for those we’ve raised.
"Ought Selves" vs. "Want Selves"
I’m a big, big advocate of shedding our “ought selves,” the role we take on that compels us to get mired down in doing and being what we ought to. It can be scary, in fact it should be uncomfortable, to stretch out of our former “ought selves” into our “want selves.” But this is where adult children can become helpful allies who stand by and cheer from the sidelines—just like we did during their soccer games and talent shows.
The key, of course, is communication. Transparency about goals and plans, and the reasoning behind both, will in most cases, provide understanding for everyone at the table. This is not about seeking permission to grow and change. Rather it’s a respectful acknowledgment of everyone’s position, and a thoughtful approach to addressing lingering concerns.
When my children were young and especially clingy around new experiences such as unfamiliar playground equipment, I would often tell them to “Go fly,” encouraging them to spread their proverbial wings and try something new.
Many years later when they were in college and I was in my fifties, I made the bold decision to leave a longtime job for a big adventure in a whole new industry. The day I was scheduled to leave my old position I received a surprise delivery of a beautiful bouquet from my daughters. The note simply read, “It’s your turn. Go fly.”
That is my wish for all of us, that we soar into a midlife reinvention filled with adventure and joy.
HELL YEAH!:
Check out some ideas for exploration and expansion. I do not endorse these businesses and organizations, nor do I receive compensation from them.
“Our Souls at Night” by Kent Haruf – This novel by the incredibly talented author, Kent Haruf, explores late in life longings and the changing dynamics of family. I’ve been in a book club for 30+ years, and we often reference this work as one of our all-time favorites.
Masterclass – Always a big favorite of mine, Masterclass is a fantastic option for learning about new industries, ideas, history, and so much more. It’s a great way to spark your interest or answer lingering questions on hundreds of topics. Of all the subscription services out there, this one is value packed and beautifully curated.
The Straight Story – You might remember this movie about an old farmer who rides his lawnmower 270 miles to see his ailing brother, spreading wisdom and wit along the way. And the soundtrack is terrific, too.
LET’S TALK ABOUT IT:
What adventure is on your radar and how are you preparing your family to support your dreams?
Beyond family, who has supported you when you wanted to make a big life change? Friends, mediators, therapists, clergy?
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